WHAT I HAVE LEARNED IN THE SEVEN DAYS SINCE I ADOPTED RHODA
1. I will let a dog (well, Rhoda) straight-up lick me on the mouth. Once she pried open my lips with her paws and stuck her tongue in there, and I DIDN’T EVEN RESIST HER. Sometimes, I even initiate the lip-kissing. I SHOULD BE IN JAIL.
2. I can’t have a human child because I would go broke almost immediately. If you knew the amount of money I have dropped at pet supply stores throughout the Los Angeles area in the last week, you would slap me across my (dog saliva-covered) mouth. I am now at the point where I can identify toys that jibe with Rhoda’s “interests.” A flat bear head today? A HUGE HIT AND I KNEW IT WOULD BE (I should be in jail)
2. Because I am forever considering Rhoda’s “talents,” I bought her a mini Frisbee. I’m like one of those Upper West Side parents who buys a two-year-old a violin. (But, guys, she’s seriously going to kill it at Frisbee.)
3. A few days ago, Rhoda was having a rough morning and wasn’t eating, so I fed her dog food PIECE by PIECE. Like grapes. Like I was her slaaaaave. I won’t even get into the search for the perfect bed(s) for her, or the fact I bought her a sound machine because I accidentally learned she’s calmed by ocean noises. (???) I’m a nightmare person.
4. I’m the type of (nightmare) person who wakes up in the middle of the night and thinks, “Is the baby breathing?!” I will also photograph dog poop and send it to my mother-in-law (a vet).
5. LOVE CAN MAKE YOUR HEART EXPLODE, MY HEART IS SO FULL EVERY DAY. SHE IS THE BEST. I ALSO HAVE 400% LESS DARK THOUGHTS BECAUSE I’M TOO BUSY MAKING SURE SHE DOESN’T BACKFLIP OFF THE COUCH AGAIN